In Greek mythology, Demeter was the mother goddess, presenting herself as a beautiful and portly woman dressed in billowing robes, crowned with ears of wheat and holding a spike of grain, a sickle or plow and a cornucopia. She reigned over land and fields and was paid tribute to the Eleusinian mysteries. These were rituals related to the mysteries of life, death and rebirth represented by the earth, the seed, the seasons and their changes.

In women, a strong presence of this archetype represents the need to be a mother, where the idea of ??femininity is closely related to that of motherhood. Procreating and caring for children represents the most important role and mission. It is the way in which it expresses its creative potential, feeling fulfilled and realized through the children.

When the need to become a mother or to realize the experience of motherhood begins to emerge in the psyche of a woman, we say that the archetype of Demeter is being constellated.

In each woman this energy can manifest itself in a very different way, there are women who develop it and live it fully enjoying this vital moment as a sublime experience, there are those who despite becoming a mother do not manage to connect psychically with the experience, which makes the passage through experience often becomes a hard responsibility to cope with. Finally, there are the women who never became mothers (by their own choice or because of the physical impossibility of achieving it) but they live this energy “displaced” in activities connected with creativity.

We will carefully analyze each of these possibilities.

In the vital moment in which a woman yearns to have a child and this desire does not respond only to a social expectation but to a true inner need, we could say that the woman is in harmony with herself and psychically prepared to receive the experience of motherhood and assume the role of mother. This state of physical and emotional fullness is important to be able to go through the experience with awareness, know how to discriminate what is important for one and for the baby and prepare to receive it and give it the necessary care. Generally a woman in this condition, once her child is born, does not entrust it to the care of others and wishes to be with him most of the time. This implies changes in other areas of his life, but there is an awareness that it is necessary to give up some things that seemed important to direct the energies towards this new project that will last a lifetime.

This is why it can be very stressful to assume this role when the reasons for having a child are based on “giving a grandchild” “giving a little brother” “it’s my turn” “better to get out of that”, etc. I even heard on one occasion in relation to the second child “better to have it fast so as not to keep the coppers in the trunk” (snif). We are so conditioned by the social that stopping to think intimately with our partner about the motivations that lead us to bring a child to the world seem to be summarized in a few cliché phrases, which also tend to enjoy social acceptance and great popularity. Many couples will say that “it simply happened” but let’s not forget that behind every act there is always a motivation, conscious or not.

Personally, I consider that motherhood is an experience that fills life with life, however it is not an experience that all women can find gratifying or necessary. Socially, this archetype is desirable and the media encourages women to be mothers (Demeter) but also to be “good” (Aphrodite) … How can we fulfill such functions if we are talking about two contradictory energies? I can already hear many women saying that they never felt as “sexy” as when they had a belly … I invite you to remember your last month of pregnancy and postpartum. I do not think it’s necessary to be sexy out of context. With this I do not mean that one can not feel subjectively sensual at a certain moment of pregnancy, but everything has its moment. It’s one thing to feel good about yourself (hard task last month) and another thing is to force Aphrodite to make an appearance. However, I understand that there is something for everyone.

When in a woman the archetype of Demeter is not strong enough and the experience of motherhood is concrete, we have a problem. Pregnancy can be lived with multiple aches and pains, erratic pains, not locatable. Sometimes the mother (especially at the beginning of pregnancy) can “forget” her condition and once the child is born it is difficult for her to perceive herself as a mother. These women do not have the patience to spend time with their child (a lot of patience is required) and may feel awkward about the basic functions of care. This situation generates a cycle of rejection and guilt that is sometimes difficult to break. All this is not easy to cope with but I believe that in the end, reality prevails and all reach acceptance. It could be said that motherhood is lived more as a responsibility than as a natural process.

One aspect that does not favor these women is that they always talk about the positive aspects of motherhood, leaving aside those more difficult or obscure which are not contemplated by fear, for fear of feeling different and excluded, for not complying with the What is expected should be motherhood and above all, the guilty aspect. It seems that a pregnant woman and in post natal does not have the right to express their fears and dislikes in relation to this stage and if she does she is not seen with a very good face by those around her. “Bad mother” some will think. I think it is healthier to say what we dislike.

Those women who have not completed maternity by their own choice or because they are unable to get pregnant respond to different intensities of the maternal archetype. In the first case, I consider that there is self-awareness about not identifying with the fact of being a mother, there is simply no need to live this experience. I must say that I admire these women for their sincerity and inner strength for not being caught in stereotypes. Sometimes the external demand is stronger than the internal feeling, it is then that the woman attacks against herself imposing an experience “to fulfill”. It is here that we see crazy women inventing any post-school activity because they do not tolerate their own child. Generally these are the attention deficit so fashionable nowadays. I take advantage of the space to say that the attention deficit is of the parents and not of the children.

When in difficult cases there is the impossibility of conceiving and being able to have a child, we have the opposite case: an archetype waiting to be filled by experience. If the experience does not arrive there is a void that can become existential and can lead to a depression with the consequent problems of a couple. It is necessary to give an outlet to that psychic energy so that it does not turn against itself. For this woman the unborn children become the reason for their life, the absence of them will generate a huge vacuum that can not be filled by anyone. A Demeter woman in this circumstance becomes depressed, loses the sense of living and her rage covered by a veil of sadness will be directed not only towards herself but towards those who try to help her. She will feel victimized, without interest for anything else, denied to produce any other kind of life, dry inside and sterile with emotion. I recommend to these women that they opt for adoption and if this possibility does not appeal to them or it is not possible to realize it, there are other opportunities: helping professions, everything that implies the care of others, the option is to look for activities where they can provide a service of careful thus performing a social action with a transcendent meaning.

It is important to emphasize that all these descriptions respond to possibilities of manifestation of the archetype and not to rigid patterns of behavior. Remember that consciousness is our best ally in the struggle to overcome our own monsters, even in a matter as apparently rosy as motherhood.

Laura Morandini

Clinical Psychologist, Psychotherapist