The birth of a child is a sacred event. As such, it deserves a special space, a space of intimacy between the only protagonists: mother, father and son. Parents have waited for nine long months to see their baby’s face, observe it, study it, recognize it, smell it.

Many times I have had to visit friends or relatives who have been released as mothers and every time I wonder what I will find in each new birth. I do not know if the image of the little one or the surrealistic dynamics that are often generated in these events gives me more emotion.

I have noticed that there is usually no psychic – and physical – space of intimacy for the couple. The excitement of listening to the wheels of the “cart” that brings the baby to the room for the first time can not be fully enjoyed. The room has become a party room.

The mother -generally with cesarean and swollen stitches- had to make up and make herself presentable for the occasion. And I ask, how can you kiss the baby with those sticky lips? What will be the first food contact with so many people around? Will not she be tired? Why do not you say anything? In reality it looks bad but nobody seems to notice it or worse, no one seems to care. Some realize and ask “are you tired? … we’re leaving”, but they do not leave. She smiles and prays in silence so that at least no one else arrives.

These images may seem exaggerated, but somehow I wanted to use them to talk about the disconnection that exists at the most important moment: the first meeting between mother, father and son. It is probable that there has already been a first approach in the operating room. But this should be more relaxed and intimate. And it is not.

In various ancient cultures the rituals of birth bring some teachings that we should take into account. In ancient Egypt the mother during labor was only in the company of women and a midwife. More no one should be present. According to the Mayan tradition, after childbirth, mother and son had to remain alone for eight days, then a celebration was held to present the baby to the community. Among the Sha, (a tribe in the province of Yunnan, China), the woman is – again – only in the company of women and it is the third day that the celebration of presentation of the child to family and friends takes place.

I do not want to be misunderstood saying that I am in favor of the exclusion of the masculine. If we read carefully, we see that these traditions have in common the vision of birth as an intimate and private event during and after childbirth . Additionally, in most of the sources I was able to consult, in the days of transition magical protection rituals are always carried out to ward off undesirable energies and thus protect the mother and the child before their social presentation. I would not despise this ancestral wisdom. Please, with this I do not mean to take the witch doctor to the clinic room, but to grant a transition space for mother and child to recover strength.

Imagine now for a moment the story of the baby since it has left the womb: it feels cold, they place probes, they manipulate strange hands, loneliness. I do not want to touch the trauma of birth because I think we are already quite soaked with the subject. I want to talk about the successive days of childbirth and the trauma of the mismatch. Affectionate encounter of mother, father and son. Social meeting of relatives, friends and acquaintances. I wonder if the parents are accomplices of this party or they do not know how to say No.

If they are accomplices and enjoy it, I have nothing to say about it because there are multiple ways of understanding reality. My words are addressed to those who want privacy and do not know how to ask for it. How to say it. How to demand respect How to do so that the respective grandmothers do not get offended. So that the friend does not stop calling you in the next six months. So that the husband’s partner can wait outside for 10 minutes.

This is a time when it is not relevant to please anyone but only the triad. It does not matter if they call us selfish. Who really wants one should understand and accept. From this moment important family dynamics are marked that if wrong, we can drag them like a snowball: each time it will get bigger.

All the women who have been these first days with the mother have given their respective advice on the most varied issues in relation to motherhood. Some because they know, others because they read and others because they told him. I am also going to give my advice, but not about how to treat the baby. My advice is on how to treat yourself at such an intense moment: simply listening and responding to what you feel internally can not be a mistake. But with so much external noise difficult that can be achieved. There is no grandmother’s advice worthy of the mother’s intuition with her son. You can be grateful for the help but being firm and asking them to respect their own space.

The subject of grandmothers or respective mothers-in-law is delicate. They enter into competition – consciously or not – for the newcomer. Beginning with the similarity: each one finds that the eyes, nose and / or mouth of their respective ancestors -which nobody knows and of which there are no photos- are faithfully reproduced in the child. The maternal grandmother feels more entitled to the grandchild, it will be because of ” the children of my daughters are my grandchildren, the children of my children I do not know” ….

They generally expect their advice and lessons to be followed based on their experiences. Here also it seems that we have to please to avoid hurting susceptibilities. The couple then begins to take turns taking the advice of their respective mothers to see if they result and a great nervousness and tension arise from this mixture. Certainly there are tips that can be helpful, but when what is perceived is power struggle it is best to ignore and redirect attention to one’s own heart.

Traditionally attacks against intrusive and invading grandmothers and mothers-in-law of privacy. I would also like to give a space to modern grandmothers who do not want to be grandmothers.

When a woman becomes a mother all her affective needs are removed. She is a mother but she is also a daughter. She expects to be taken care of and to feel safe, contained, just like the baby that just came out of her womb. However, there are grandmothers who are so focused on themselves and their needs that they can not respond to their daughters’. Probably the work of mother has been for them so demanding that they do not tolerate the role of grandmother. There are others who do not want to feel “old” and do not allow them to be encased in a role they do not feel as their own. The daughter then feels – and it is a reality – that she can not count on her. They are all right.

I invite these first-time mothers to learn to count on themselves and their partners, to manage as best they can and that both are accomplices of adventure and misadventures. Do not expect to do the things they did when they were two, trying to “jam” the child to an annoying grandmother. I think that includes growing together as a couple and as a family.

And where is the father in all this commotion? Either you have been excluded, or you have been voluntarily excluded. Be that as it may, psychically he is a stranger in all this feminine dynamics. Unless you have a very developed Yin side. It is up to him to seek his space and presence as far as he can tolerate it. Today the entrance of the masculine into maternal affairs is very broad. Maybe too much in some cases. However, each couple will find balance in their respective functions.

I think the most important thing is to remember that we are living a magical moment. The difference can be between deciding to live according to one’s own desires and illusions or responding only to the demands of the great family and social circle.

Postpartum sex

I was in a department store with my 7-month-old daughter when unexpectedly, from behind a few shirts, a woman appeared a little disheveled and startled to ask me about the qualities and defects of the car that served as a displacement for the little girl. I was impressed by his tired face and that energy of someone who does not have time to enjoy his borrowed time. Since that feeling is familiar to me, I can recognize it quite quickly. Then the woman established a kind of cathartic monologue from which I was able to find out in detail about her life in the last 20 days. At that moment I knew that I should sit down to write.

I still have trouble getting used to the fact that unknown people come to me and tell me their conflicts and then disappear into nothingness. The unusual thing is that they do not realize they are doing it. It is one thing to be with the patient face to face and talk conscientiously in a therapeutic environment, another is to take one by assault out of context. However, I listened carefully and the consequent face of poker.

The truth is that 20 days ago he had a cesarean section to a girl who eats every two and a half hours, has a lot of black hair-even I could hastily know in the image on the cell phone screen-and does not breastfeed. It gave me a bit of sadness to corroborate something that I wrote recently: the presence of massive visits to the clinic did not allow her to have an intimate space with her daughter; I thought to myself that he did not look for it either. Of course I kept the best psychoanalytic style.

So far all within the parameters more or less expected for a modern woman in quarantine: a little exaltation for being the first exit and feeling deceitfully free for a few hours. The unusual thing or let’s say it was inappropriate was to show me in full neon light the sash I was wearing. I looked around to see if they saw us. I sensed that the climax of the conversation had not yet arrived, but it was getting closer … until:

” And you? Are you taking care of yourself? Because you know … your husband is already asking for that “ … ..

He looked at me with a certain fictitious complicity, as if waiting for my answer -also fictional- to corroborate that it was “fine” to have relationships to please. I think he should not have felt feedback. I explained some things about motherhood, the need to be centered in that experience, to dedicate to her baby, to recover physically and to focus psychically before being able to resume her life as a couple. Of course all this in street language. His anguish increased. He told me that he should go and take care of his girl and left the same way he appeared.

Sometimes I think I should tell people what they want to hear, but it’s that I notice. I simply can not. That is why I would like to tell women “newly born”

Do not worry if you feel that at the beginning the libido is nonexistent.

They should not feel guilty if the little energy they have available they want to save.

That if the husband asks for that , and that is closed, we must place him in the vital moment they are living together.

That if they feel they do not have to offer sexually for themselves and for the couple at the moment, it is best to talk and generate a dialogue.

That accepting relationships without desire can be a Lexotanil (or Rivotril, which is so fashionable) against anxiety in the face of infidelity but not against infidelity itself.

That everything has its moment and its cycles

That if they have relationships without wanting it, at least try to know why they are having them.

That if they have relationships without wanting it and that does not mean a problem, all this that I have said is nonsense.

Laura Morandini